


Life in War Time

by taelynhawker



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect 3 - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-21
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-30 00:57:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1012120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taelynhawker/pseuds/taelynhawker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the midst of war life still goes on. A series of stories about the moments in between the fighting. Some long, some short.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life in War Time

**I.**

The first time Kaidan Alenko meets Commander Noah Shepard is on the bridge of the Normandy SR-1.

He's never been one who was easily impressed by a built-up persona, the allure of rank, or status. He _has_ heard more than a few stories about Shepard- the Thresher Maw attack on Akuze was enough make her name known- but stories weren't something to base an opinion on.

Commander Shepard is relatively small in stature, compact and capable, with dark hair and eyes so dark blue they are nearly black. There is a confident strength in the way she moves and she doesn't hesitate to make eye contact. And yet there is a wall around her- invisible and impenetrable- that makes it clear she'd been through more than her fair share of hardships.

At least, it seems clear to Kaidan. Who just _might_ have built a similar wall around himself a long time ago.

She takes his breath away with a small, quirk of her full lips and he stumbles over his own rank and name.

Joker never lets him live it down.

Now, standing in the hallway of Alliance Command in Vancouver, with Anderson stalwart between them and Lieutenant Vega hovering over her shoulder, she takes his breath away again. She is more beautiful than he remembers, and he shies away from wondering if Cerberus rebuilt her that way. Her eyes shine brighter than they used to. Cybernetic implants. But they are still as deep and unfathomable as ever.

Kaidan hasn't seen her since Horizon, and he still winces to think of the things he'd said to her. Some of it he'd meant, but some of it had been the surprise and hurt talking. He was more than a little ashamed that his emotions had gotten the better of him. Control is something he prides himself on. But then, Shepard has always managed to get under his skin.

He's read through her reports- Horizon, the Omega-4 Relay, the incident in the Bahak system- and the ones put in by her team, and everything from Anderson and Hackett. Kaidan's pretty sure he's got a good grip on the situation now. He wishes he'd had it earlier. But the best he can do is smile as she walks past, and hope he gets a chance to talk to her later.

"I used to," he tells James when he questions if Kaidan knew Shepard. But what he means is _I hope I still do_.

**II.**

Kaidan has felt pain. BaAt training, migraines, bullet wounds, burns, broken bones, heartbreak, Shepard's death.

But never before has somebody tried to bash his brain out of the back of his skull. It feels as if his implant is embedding itself _into_ his actual brain, even though that's not actually possible.

Of the physical pain he has experienced, this _might_ be the worst. And because of the damage she's doing to his implant he can't get his biotics to charge, and he can't get any kind of leverage because she is holding him up by his head. His neck muscles feel like they are tearing, his face is numb.

She pulls him back one more time and he knows- _knows_ \- this will be the last hit. He looks past her, to where Shepard is running around the back of the kodiak, gun drawn, screaming his name. In that moment it is the only thing he can hear. And he wants to say _I love you_ and _I'm sorry_ and _I should have believed you_.He regrets the questions he's thrown at her like daggers since they landed on Mars. He regrets...

The world goes black.

**III.**

Palaven burns.

Palaven burns and Garrus is safe aboard the Normandy- _safe for now_ , he thinks, _but for how long?_ \- and it is literally causing him pain to fly away. He should be _there_. Taking orders, giving orders. _With his people_. Dying with his people, burning with his planet. His father and sister are still down there.

But the truth is he knows that here, on the Normandy, is where he has the most chance of making a difference. Shepard has a way of bringing the eye of the storm to her and then kicking it's ass. Even now she's in the war room beating down the will of Wrex, the Turian Primarch, and the Salarian Dalatrass. It is a room Garrus would rather not ever step into. It is a room that Garrus has followed her into what seems like a hundred times.

Garrus is a loyal and proud turian, but like most of the aliens- and the humans- aboard the Normandy, Shepard has a way of commanding him, calling him to action, and not letting him resent it.

If anyone can douse the fires on Palaven and take the Reapers out it will be Shepard.

So Palaven burns and Garrus leaves, but his heart burns with his home planet and the fires will rage until the last Reaper is _dead_.

**IV.**

Liara lowers her weapon but not without reluctance. Her eyes flicker back and forth between Kaidan and Udina, assessing which, at the moment, is the greater threat. She factors exactly how unforgivable shooting Kaidan to get to the Ambassador would be in Shepard's eyes.

No, not the way to play this. Around Kaidan, not through. And who exactly is she now, that she considers someone she had called a friend once in such a way.

Long moments tick past, the air thick with tension. Udina hovers near the console, face shining with sweat. He isn't nervous, Liara knows nervous. He's guilty. Liara knows guilt better. It's just one of the many talents she's come to by virtue of her position as Shadow Broker.

"I better not regret this," Alenko grinds out eventually, turning smoothly and aiming his gun at the counselor instead.

"You won't," Shepard answers, barely audible.

Liara cuts a glance at Garrus, whose mandibles are flaring in agitation and who hasn't quite lowered his gun. He notices Liara watching him and lowers the sniper rifle further, pointedly avoiding any further eye contact.

In the end it's Kaidan who takes the shot, Shepard looking shocked and unable to stop herself from going over to the Major and spinning him to face her. Liara darts after her.

"Kaidan?" The worry in Shepard's normally calm voice is pronounced.

"Yeah, I'm good," he says stiffly, and pulls away, moving towards the other council members. "Is everyone alright?"

Shepard deflates, only for a second, her entire body just collapsing in on itself before she's standing upright, at military attention.

"Shepard," Liara whispers, following again as the Commander goes over to check Udina's body.

"Son of bitch," Shepard mutters under her breath, finally standing.

She looks tired and worn out. But as she turns back to face Garrus and Kaidan and the councilors she straightens her shoulders and her face is carefully blank. Shepard's ability to put her own emotional distress behind her and concentrate on the mission has always amazed Liara. It's something that Liara, with all she's gone through and become, has never quite mastered.

Liara leaves once Bailey and C-Sec show up. She has contacts check in with and reports to review. Before this day, before Cerberus' mad attempt at a coup, she would have gone to the Presidium. Instead she makes her way back to the Normandy. She knows she shouldn't spend so much time cooped up in her room there, but she'd spent the better part of the last year on the Shadow Broker ship. Some habits were easy to create and harder to break.

She's near the elevator, heading down to the docking bay when her omni-tool chimes with a message. She listens and her heart constricts with grief. Garrus' voice sounds strained as he passes on his news.

"Oh, Thane," she murmurs. She listens to the message one more time. She's lost in thought as she comes to where the Normandy is docked. The airlock slides open and she jumps back, startled, nearly dropping her datapads. "Kaidan," she says as the Major turns away from the large glass window and nods his head in greeting.

"Liara," he says with a kind expression that is not quite a smile. The expression does not match his eyes.

"You're waiting for the Commander?"

He barks out a half laugh. "Yeah, I guess I am."

There are many things Liara would like to say. Most of them are inappropriate, words she has no place in saying. Shepard is her friend, but she knows herself enough to realize that her own emotions are stronger than that and always have been.

She wants to say _don't hurt her this time_ and _are you sure_ and _she should have chosen me three years ago, I never gave up on her_ and _you have to be the strongest you have ever been for her_ and _get the hell out of here, haven't you hurt her enough_ and _I can protect her better than you can, for all that means_ and- she takes in a deep breath and bites them all back. It isn't her place. Shepard would not thank her for interfering. And Shepard loves him.

The Major is giving her a speculative look, eyes dark, as if he can hear all the words she won't let herself say.

"Shepard may be a while. Garrus messaged to say she was going to make sure C-sec had everything in hand and see about getting any video footage of the assassin that... killed... Thane."

"The drell?" Kaidan asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

"Yes. He confronted the assassin, he was injured. Garrus sent me a message just a few moments ago telling me he did not make it. Shepard was with him... when he died."

Kaidan seems genuinely distraught. "He seemed... like a good man. We spoke a few times."

"Yes. He was very close to Shepard. I think she gave him a reason to live again." There is a brief flare of satisfaction at the look that passes over Kaidan's face. Let him make of that what he will.

An awkward silence passes. And then finally Liara, taking pity, says, "Would you like to wait on the Normandy?"

He shakes his head. "No, I'll wait here. Thanks though, Liara."

She nods her head and steps through into the decontamination room. By the time she reaches the elevator she has put Kaidan Alenko behind her and is thoroughly engrossed in Feron's latest mission report.

 

**V.**

The ship is quiet. Most of the crew is on shore leave to the Citadel, only the bare skeleton crew keeping an eye on things. It's been three weeks since the Normandy has seen Citadel space and even Shepard can admit that it feels a bit like coming home.

The last time the Normandy had docked at the Citadel Cerberus had been attempting it's coupe. This visit has been decidedly more peaceful.

She's delivered most of the discoveries they've made, artifacts they've recovered and resources found. She feels like they've spent the last few weeks just scouring the various systems for random junk that just might be valuable.

She meant to go visit with Doctor Chakwas before one last meeting with a volus ambassador, but she finds herself standing in front of the memorial wall instead.

So many names. It's hard to even focus on the newest additions, her eyes want to slide past the newly engraved names.

_Mordin Solis_

_Thane Krios_

She's so incredibly, almost stupidly, grateful that Kaidan's name is not on the list as well. But she's terrified of how many others will be before this is over. Her knees want to buckle, her stomach wants to turn out the meager breakfast she had earlier. She takes a deep breath and clenches her fist, fingernails digging into her palms.

"Commander."

She startles so badly she jumps before she can stop herself.

"Kaidan. You caught me off guard."

"I try," he says with a small smile and she wonders if he's flirting. It feels like flirting. She's not quite sure how to read the man Kaidan has become though, so she just smiles back. His smile fades and he nods to the wall, "You can't hold onto every name that goes up there. You know that."

She nods her head, because she does. But her eyes fall to Mordin and Thane's names again and there are tears burning behind her eyes.

"And there'll be more, before this war is over." He sounds sad to be saying it. When she looks at him again the expression on his face is pained.

"I was just thinking... I'm really glad yours isn't up there. You had me worried there, for a moment, that day."

"I can be stubborn, but I usually manage to back down before you actually put a bullet in me."

She laughs but it comes out as half sob. She takes a deep breath, fists clenching so tightly her hands ache. She will not break down just because Kaidan fucking Alenko is showing her kindness.

"Shepard," he begins and takes a step towards her.

"Major, I'm sorry... I've... I've got reports to look at and there's a volus ambassador I have to speak with. I'll see you in the mess later."

She runs. Oh, not physically. But it's running all the same. Away from Kaidan, away from all the emotions he makes her feel. Away.

 

**VI.**

Kaidan's been back on the Normandy for five solid weeks now, things have settled into a familiar routine. Except for Shepard. Nothing about Shepard is routine. Back on the old SR-1 one could count on seeing Shepard, at all times of day, moving about the crew, checking in and saying hello and combating concerns.

But these days he doesn't often see her without a data pad or mission reports, talking to Edi as she moves swiftly through the ship. She still listens, still stops to talk, but it's clear her heart isn't in it. Bit by bit, mission by mission, whether it's a win or a loss... it all takes something vital out of Shepard.

She is still standing though, at the end of the day, and Kaidan finds himself eternally grateful for that. And despite all that's happening she hasn't broken.

Then Wrex comes to Shepard with a problem. Shepard, of course, accepts.

The Normandy ground crew joins up with Aralakh company and the young krogan leading them.

It's like Noveria all over again. Rachni and life or death decisions with the fate of a species hanging in the balance. He watches Shepard make the hard call. Save the Rachni. _Again_. Part of him, the part he's so good at pushing down, wishes she would just leave the queen to die, save the young krogan. If only to save herself the pain.

The krogan clearly means something to Shepard. Kaidan's read the files, the dossiers on all of her former SR-2 crew. He knows the basics about Grunt but that doesn't mean he knows why Shepard looks like her heart is breaking when she radios Aralakh company and tells them to stand their ground while the queen escapes.

Folders and files don't tell Kaidan why he has to practically drag her away when Grunt decides to stand his ground and give them all a way out.

Kaidan tries to cut comms, Shepard shouldn't have to hear the young krogan dying, but of course she won't let him. They run for the shuttle and she hesitates before getting in, looking back.

The comms are silent now.

"Shepard!" he calls, reaching a hand out to her.

She looks back at him, eyes wide and desperate through the visor of the helmet. She's scared, so scared. Scared enough that it _shows_. He's halfway out of the shuttle before he realizes what he's doing.

He grasps her upper arm, pulling her to him. She lets him. "Shepard, please!" He leans in closer. "I know, Shepard. I _know_. but we have to _go_."

"He... Grunt... but I." She closes her eyes. "Right. Yes." He drops his hand as she straightens.

Shepard takes a step towards the shuttle and that's when they both hear it, a commotion from back towards the caves. They turn. Shepard makes a soft noise low in her throat and then she's running.

The krogan looks _made_ of death, it's easier to count the places he isn't injured or covered in blood than not. But he's moving, talking, asking for food as he collapses his weight onto Shepard. Who holds it, halfway carrying him to the shuttle, looking happier than Kaidan has seen her in weeks.

On the Normandy he stands outside of medbay with Garrus and Doctor Chakwas, watching as Shepard rechecks every bandage on the krogan currently lying on the cot.

"She never could resist taking in a stray puppy," Chakwas sighs, a smile on her face. Kaidan knows the feeling, any day they manage to save someone is a good day

"I don't know that I'd compare a krogan to a puppy, Doctor."

Chakwas snorts a laugh.

Garrus chimes in with, "I don't know what a puppy is, but it certainly doesn't sound like something a krogan should be compared to."

They watch as Grunt tries, again, to get up. Shepard's biotics crackles warningly up her arm and she shoves him back down, face going stern and tense. She checks the bandage that covers the entire right side of Grunt's face for the third time.

"He was really bred in a tank?" Kaidan asks, not for the first time.

Garrus chuckles.

"And Shepard woke him up. On the ship." It isn't even a question, really. Kaidan believed it had happened, with Shepard anything could happen. But still... a baby krogan... born in a tank?

"Didn't tell anyone she was doing it, of course," Garrus says dryly.

"She had bruises for weeks." Doctor Chakwas shook her head. "He called her Battlemaster eventually." She's quiet for a few minutes. In the med bay Grunt is growling out a loud complaint and Shepard is quietly scolding him. "I doubt krogan experience the phenom but I find myself thinking of imprinting. As if Shepard were the first thing he woke up to and so he attached himself to her. As much as krogan emotionally attach to anything." She began moving towards the med bay in slow, unhurried steps. "Imagine it. Bred and born in a tank, hearing only a mad man's ramblings. And then being released into the care of something like Shepard. Yes, I do imagine it was a bit like imprinting."

The med bay doors open and Chakwas steps inside. Garrus and Kaidan stay a while longer until finally Garrus leaves for the main battery and Kaidan is alone. The mess is quiet, it's late and most of the crew is off active duty. Kaidan thinks about Doctor Chakwas calling Shepard something. Not someone. _Something_. He knows she meant it as a compliment, most do when they speak of Shepard as if she were more than mere human.

Shepard steps out of the medbay and her head drops to her chest. Kaidan watches her take in a deep breath, steadying herself. When she lifts her head and sees him watching her she flushes and a small smile graces her full lips.

"Krogan," she says with affected annoyance.

He smiles despite himself. Shepard is very human, right now almost dangerously so- grief and fear are starting to shine through the cracks-and he's starting to wonder if he's the only one who sees it.

She passes him and he reaches out, catching her hand. She stops and watches him, as if waiting for him to do something else. After a long, silent moments she squeezes his hand and lets go.

And then she's gone, heading towards the elevator and more than likely down to the war room.

His hand still tingles from the feel of hers.

 

**VII.**

Tali is surprised- she doesn't know why, she _shouldn't_ be- at the feeling of _home_ that surrounds her as soon as she steps foot on the Normandy. There is some time before they make the jump to the geth dreadnaught. She takes her time wandering the newly refitted Normandy.

The ship is so different, and yet so the same. Like Tali herself she just keeps growing, changing, getting better and more capable.

She wonders if the Normandy feels as much pressure as Tali does. She laughs, then remembers that she could ask the Normandy that very question if she wanted to. Edi is, for all intents and purposes, the heart and soul and mind of the Normandy. Complete with a body now.

And that thought brings the reality of her life, of her people's lives, careening back into her head.

Synthetics. Organics. Hearts and souls and minds. What has a soul. _Does this unit have a soul..._ a single question to start a war that would shape her people's future for hundreds of years.

Not so very long ago she had served aboard this ship alongside a geth. Legion had made her think... hope... that peace could be possible. But then her people- _her stupid, stubborn people_ \- had gone to war. To _war_. With the Reaper threat hanging over their heads and her people had started _another_ war with the geth.

She stopped where she stood and knocked her helmeted head into the wall.

"Isn't that dangerous? One crack and you've got Krogan Rage Fever and Chakwas has to pump you full of antibiotics."

Tali straightens and turns. "Garrus!" She throws her arms around him and he catches her easily.

"Tali. It's good to see you." He tightens his hold on her just a moment longer before gently letting her down.

She takes a step back, coughing gently. A flush is creeping up her face and she's eternally grateful that he can't see her.

"It's... it's good to see you too, Garrus."

There's an awkward moment of silence and then Garrus says, "Come look at her gun. The Alliance tweaked it, but I've made it better. I want to see what you think of the calibrations."

She laughs and nods her head, "I'd love to."

 

**VIII.**

Shepard is leaning against the large window, eyes on the stars, ignoring the datapad in her hand.

"So... Legion?" Kaidan asks, softly.

She looks back at him and for a moment she is something inhuman, a creature from a fairytale. Her eyes glow faintly and her skin in the starlight is luminescent.

"What?" She steps away from the window, becoming the woman he knows again.

He lets out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding.

"Legion. The geth downstairs?"

Kaidan really wants to understand why there's a geth down in the war room, wearing a sheared off piece of Shepard's armor. He wants to understand the warmth in Shepard's tone when she talks to the damn thing, or how she'd nearly got into a fist fight with _another_ Quarian Admiral in defense of it.

"I know who he is," she says and he doesn't miss the way her eyebrows furrow, or the sharp edge to her voice

"What exactly... I mean, Shepard, last I knew the geth weren't really interested in being our allies." And then, because she's just staring at him as if she's expecting more, he adds, "there wasn't anything about a geth in your reports."

Her face darkens, her shoulders straighten. He's put her on the defensive, which is not at all what he'd been intending.

"Legion is my friend and is under _my_ protection, on _my_ ship. Everyone who steps foot on this ship, regardless of rank, race, or status is under direct and strict orders to treat him with decency and respect. And anyone who-"

Kaidan goes to her and puts his hands on her shoulders, nearly shaking her. "Shepard, easy. I'm just asking."

She's breathing hard, eyes dark, glaring up at him. All at once she closes her eyes and huffs out a laugh, clearly at herself. "Sorry. I'm sorry, Kaidan. That damned Admiral and her tests and research and I just... I let myself get wound up. Again. And I shouldn't have."

His lips quirks up in a small smile and he gently rubs her shoulders. Shepard sways closer, close enough for her dark hair to brush his chin, for her smell to invade his senses.

Kaidan clears his throat. "I promise I don't want to pull him apart. It's just... I've never seen a geth act like that. And he _is_ wearing your old N7 armor, Shepard."

And Kaidan doesn't have the words to explain what that does to him, that geth wearing the armor Shepard had died in, how it gets his hackles up, how it makes him want to rip apart everything that's ever tried to hurt her. He could never explain that, because that's not the Kaidan she knew and he's worried it would frighten her.

Sometimes, only sometimes, it frightens him.

"Your guess is as good as mine, on the armor. He doesn't say much about it except that there was a hole and it needed patching. But he's saved my life over and over again. He's proven his loyalty. And he can bring the geth to our side in this war. And we need that. We need it so badly, Kaidan." She bows her head, brushing his chest with her cheek.

Kaidan takes a deep breath, nose filling with the scent of her. "So why isn't he in the reports?"

She looks up at him, nearly defiant. "I was protecting him."

Kaidan pulls her closer and lowers his head to rest his cheek against hers.

"I just wanted to protect him," she repeats, and her lips brush his skin.

"You want to protect everyone, Shepard. I know you. But everyone else was in the reports."

She sighs and her hands come to rest against his chest. "Admiral Hackett and Admiral Anderson have done their best to support me. Maybe it hasn't been enough, but they tried and no one else was willing to do even _that_. They've accepted a lot of things from me. But a geth? According the lies the Alliance and the Council themselves spread we were _just_ at war with the geth. How could I have explained Legion? When so much of it was just a gut feeling about him? No. No. I couldn't put Legion in the report. So he and Tali left the Normandy even before everyone else. Long before we got to Omega and the team disbanded."

He runs his hands down her arms, and rests them on her full hips. She takes in a sharp little breath, and Kaidan closes his eyes at the sound.

"Shepard." He's surprised at how low and rough his voice is.

Shepard's breath tickles across his neck. "Kaidan."

And it's too much. He really did just come in here to talk about the geth. It's not that he doesn't want this. He's never wanted anything the way he wants Shepard. But they haven't been able to talk, not really, not the way he knows they need too. They've made cautious implications and delicate assertions. He knows what he feels for her, what he wants from her- from this. But he also knows he hurt her, broke the unspoken agreement he'd made once upon a time- that he would trust her, love her for as long as he could, follow her wherever she led him. He needs her to know, before they move forward in any way, that he's all in. That he will never leave her again.

So instead of kissing her, like he wants to, he steps away.

She gives him an assessing look, clearly trying to figure out what he's thinking.

"You make strange friends, Shepard," he says.

And is rewarded with a throaty, full-bodied laugh, her head falling back on her neck. When she calms she gives him a look from underneath lowered eyelashes and replies, "They are good ones, though."

Kaidan nods and swallows hard.

"We should talk soon. If we can find the time. Just... you and me." He clears his throat.

"I'd like that." She's stepped close again, her fingers resting lightly on his hand.

He closes his eyes, all his attention on that point of contact. "Geth hub first, right?" he groans out.

She laughs again, softly. "Yes. Geth hub first. Then the reaper signal. Then back to the Citadel, and then-"

He leans closer, forehead resting against hers, and whispers against her skin, "let's make the time, Shepard."

"Yeah, yeah, we'll do that." She blinks up at him, smiling softly.

As she steps away Kaidan can see the mask of Commander slipping back over her face. His chest aches a little, but the truth is he's just as in love with this part of her as he is every other part. He schools his face into a neutral expression and straightens into parade rest. He might be a Major, but this is her ship.

"Don't get too comfortable here, Major, you're on ground crew with me for the next mission."

He nods. "Yes, ma'am, I'll be ready."

He waits until she's several steps away before turning to watch her leave, a smile quirking his lips.

 

**IX.**

Garrus is usually up for anything. Traveling with Shepard means you must be. Brainwashed Spectres, an insane jump through a relay in nothing but a mako, a geth ally, a suicide mission through a relay no one has survived going through- he's there.

So it's faintly amusing and mostly worrisome that what finally makes him nervous is watching Shepard _willingly download herself into a geth platform_. She has plugged her brain into the hub. And Garrus knows that's insane, even though he knows how necessary it is. And the pod she's in reminds Garrus uncomfortably of the pods they'd found in the Collector base.

There aren't many people Garrus willingly trusts. Shepard is one of the very few, but also the one he trusts most. It's because of this that he hasn't popped a heat sink in Legion's head and yanked Shepard out of there.

Shepard wouldn't be pleased.

Kaidan probably wouldn't mind though, Garrus thinks, watching the Major pace in front of Shepard's still form. His eyes dart from Shepard to Legion, a blue flare of biotic energy occasionally flickering up his arm, across his fingertips.

Not for the first time Garrus thinks Shepard ought to have brought Tali instead of Kaidan or himself. Tali, despite her youth, is very good at staying calm and assessing a situation.

Kaidan used to be good at that as well, but the years have changed him. Not necessarily a bad thing, that, the man had held too much back, tied himself too tight- that was the human phrase. Wasn't it?

Legion makes an alarming sound, a grinding whine. Garrus' grip on his shotgun tightens. He won't shoot Legion. He won't.

He won't.

Shepard is unnaturally attached to it.

Shepard would shoot _him_.

Maybe not dead, but she'd permanently damage him for sure. And he's already taken a rocket to the face. Unless he really does want to mate with a krogan female he thinks it's wisest to avoid too many more scars.

Kaidan's working furiously on his omni-tool. After several moments he looks up at Garrus, not really seeing him, and mutters, "No way to get her out without a high probability of permanent brain damage." He growls something so low Garrus can't hear it and says, louder and perhaps actually _to_ Garrus, "I've never seen readings like this in my life."

Garrus' mandibles twitch and he cocks his head in a questioning and alarmed fashion.

It is at that exact moment that the pod slides open and Shepard drags in a great, shuddering breath. She doesn't stumble out, of course she doesn't. She's Commander Shepard, isn't she? But she certainly looks as if she'd like to.

Kaidan steps up to her side and Garrus doesn't fail to catch the way his hand wraps around hers. They share a look, eyes intent on each other. Turians do not communicate with their eyes the way he's noticed humans do. It's hard to read what they're conveying, but he knows them well enough to imagine. Garrus is relieved she's okay and out of that damned pod, too, and can only imagine Kaidan feels that relief all the more. Shepard nods, just the barest movement of her head. Kaidan's entire face and body relax, bowing around Shepard's even as he keeps a respectful distance between them.

Shepard seems so much smaller than Alenko in that moment.

It makes Garrus think of Tali, how small and petite she is. How he would tower of her if he were to stand with her they way Shepard and Alenko are standing together just now. Shepard seems to like it. Consciously or not she leans into Kaidan, taking shelter beside him. Shepard is the most fearsome female Garrus has ever met. Tali has become a fierce and independent female, a worthy mate and partner for any male. But she's still not half as strong as Shepard.

So if Shepard sometimes enjoys the silent protection of a larger male than perhaps Tali would not be adverse-

"Shit." Kaidan's breathless curse brings Garrus' thoughts back to the present.

It hits him, quite hard in that moment, that he needs to figure out what he's going to do about his... feelings... for Tali because he really should have noticed the dozen or so geth primes that now encircle them.

"They are allies," Legion is explaining. "They wish to join us."

Well, he thinks, that's a relief. He's suddenly glad Tali isn't here. Legion is one thing, but he's pretty sure she'd have overloaded at least half of these things before Legion got a _word_ out.

 

**X.**

"I'd be an amazing krogan," Shepard slurs.

Kaidan glances down at her worriedly but what he says, in the lightest tone possible is, "You're too pretty to be a krogan."

She scoffs. "Wrex says I'm a krogan."

And then she stumbles so hard she almost takes them both down. He catches her, gets their feet untangled.

He has never seen her like this. They've shared a drink or two before, but Shepard never drinks beyond her limit- doesn't like the sensation of losing control- and this... this purgatory between tipsy and drunk... just by watching her he can tell this isn't the first time.

She's dragging them towards the Memorial Wall and he's desperately trying to steer her away, towards the elevator. That damned wall, adding another plaque to it, is what started this in the first place. He's just managed to turn her towards the elevator when she throws all her weight in the other direction, nearly taking them down again.

"Shepard," he says gently, as she leans against the wall.

One hand grasps the shoulder of his shirt while the other brushes over the newest name. _Legion_.

"I know most people wouldn't understand. _Don't_ understand. But he was... he was a person, Kaidan. And he lived just long enough to be... to be an individual and then he died for his people and I... I should... I..."

Kaidan wraps his hand around her wrist and turns her gently around.

"You are not going to die again Shepard," he rasps out. "You don't have to and I won't let you." His blood runs cold at the thought, and at the look in her eyes. He can not lose her again, no matter where things stand between them.

"You can't... you can't control that. And shouldn't... shouldn't I? Die? All these people, these good people I dragged into this, and they're dying. So shouldn't I?" Her eyes are wide and serious. She's so desperate for Kaidan to give her an answer.

"No. You shouldn't. You already died once, Noah. No one would fault you for wanting to live."

She leans forward, pressing her face against his shoulder and shaking her head.

"I can't watch you die. I'd rather die again than watch you die."

Kaidan's not sure if she means the general populace, the crew, or him specifically. He pushes her away, only far enough for him to meet her eyes. Her face crumbles momentarily, a vicious expression of sorrow erasing the features of the woman he knows and loves.

"Shepard, we're going to fight. All of us. You, me, this crew, everyone you're helping. You know that. If anyone is going to make it through this... it's going to be okay."

She takes in a deep, shuddering breath. She looks very nearly composed except for the quiver of her full lips.

"I wish you'd been there. Before," she says, so softly he barely hears the words.

Kaidan has no answer for that. He leads her slowly away from the Memorial Wall and into the elevator.

"I didn't understand until you," she slurs. Her gaze on him is clear, he would almost think she's sober, but the way she's speaking, the way her words are colliding together and her Ts are dropping off- the tell tale drawl of most backwater colonies- give her away. "No one ever made me feel stronger than I am... better than I am." She slumps against the wall and slides to the floor. She looks up at him, squinting against the light overhead. "Mama said... it was like that with Da. I didn't understand. And after... well... the batarians... I kept everyone so far away." She puts her hands on her face and Kaidan hears her say, muffled by her fingers, "I don't want you to leave."

Kaidan feels a sharp pain in his chest. The door closes behind them. "Edi, hold the elevator please."

"Yes, major," Edi's voice is cautious and low.

Kaidan kneels in front of her, taking her hands in his and pulling her hands from her face.

"I'm not going anywhere, Noah. I'm not going to leave you again." He swallows hard around the words that want to come out. Things like _I love you_ and _I never stopped loving you_ and _I think I'd die if I had to live without you again_.

She smiles, bright and wide and so beautiful. And very drunk. He snorts out a laugh.

"You're a good man. I hope our kids are as good as you. I was trouble. I'm _still_ trouble. You'll make sure they're good like you?"

She leaned forward again and he scoops her up into his arms, getting to his feet. He leans against the elevator wall, stunned, and she nuzzles sleepily into his neck.

He's never thought about them... like that, never thought about how it could be after all the battles, the war, the reapers. He'd never _let_ himself get that far. Children? His and Shepard's? What a terrifying thought. And yet, there's a grin on his face so wide it hurts. Shepard's thought about children. About a future. With him. In the midst of everything she's gone through- dying and Cerberus and reapers- she's spent time thinking about who would be the better influence on children.

He laughs again, quiet and deep in his chest. Shepard lifts her head and looks at him.

"What?" she mumbles.

"You. You never stop amazing and confusing me, Shepard."

She hummed thoughtfully. "Ditto, Major."

"Resuming elevator function, Major, with your permission?"

Kaidan actually jumps at the sound of the AI's voice. Shepard grumbles a complaint into her neck. "Yes, yes, thank you, Edi. Captain's quarters, please."

"Of course." He would swear the AI sounds amused.

Kaidan's fairly certain Shepard is asleep by the time they get to her cabin but just as he's about to lay her on the bed she lifts her head and asks, "Do you think Wrex would let us adopt a baby krogan?"

He laughs, he can't help it. "A baby krogan?"

He settles her on the bed, removing her heavy boots and pulling the covers up over her.

"I think he'd let us. If he has his way he'll have more than he knows what to do with. It'd be good for... for interspecies relations," she continues.

Kaidan bites his lip to keep from laughing and kneels on the floor beside the bed. She twists to face him, scooches closer until her face is nearly blurry. Her expression is very serious.

"We could name him Fitz."

He sighs, reaching out to brush her hair out of her face. She feels warm. His hand lingers in her hair for a while, enjoying the softness on his fingertips. When he looks back down at her face she is asleep.

"Fitz is a good name, Shepard." He leans over her to kiss her temple. "We'll... talk about all that... some other time. When you've rested."

They should heading to the Citadel soon. He's been thinking for a while about asking her to spend some time him. An honest date. There are too many things he wants to say, that he has to say, and the venue of a date seems like the appropriate way to go about that.

"Goodnight, Noah." He kisses her forehead and heads back down to the starboard observation deck.

 

**XI.**

 

The ship is unusually silent. Shepard has yet to make her after-mission rounds. She'd wandered off to the lounge, Alenko following a short distance after her, wary and concerned.

Tali had followed them from the shuttle bay but lingered outside of the lounge, not what to do or where to go.

That was over a standard hour ago. Maybe more. She's not sure.

She keeps seeing Legion on Rannoch in her head, standing on the ledge, falling to the ground.

She hears it's- _his_ , she tells herself fiercely, _his_ \- voice in her head.

_Do you remember the question that caused the creators to attack us, Tali'Zorah..._

"Does this unit have a soul..." she whispers.

Talons close gently over her shoulder. She sighs and looks up at Garrus.

"Legion," she says, and nothing more.

Garrus nods. So he knew. The news has made it around even without Shepard checking in. Which means Joker must have had the comms online going both ways. Or Edi. Tali has the sneaking suspicion that Edi almost always listens in on the ground teams.

"If we'd had more time, if my people hadn't been ready destroy all of them, maybe we could have found a better way. Shepard is... Garrus... we just keep losing people and I don't know how much more Shepard can take. You should have seen her face. No. No. You should have seen _Kaidan's_ face because he's a... he's an accurate gauge of Shepard's... her..."

"Hey, hey," Garrus pulls her into him.

He is out of his gear, wearing a cowled robe and loose pants that look unimaginably comfortable, and that doesn't happen often. She leans into the hard scale of his body and takes the comfort he's offering.

"Legion made his choice. We mourn him by honoring that choice, not taking blame for it. The geth are free. However crazy it is to be saying that." He snorts and shakes his head. "And more importantly your people and the geth are working together."

Tali doesn't say anything.

Eventually Garrus pulls away, talons very careful on her shoulders.

"You know," she says, cutting off what he'd been about to say. "The Normandy is very clean, and I've taken pains to acclimate myself to the air. Even if you did rip my suit it wouldn't kill me. It might not even make me very sick."

"I'd rather not take the chance, if it's all the same. Now, what I was going to say is I do still have that chocolate..."

She smiles, "I'd love some."

"I didn't say I was going to give you any." His mandibles shudder slightly with mirth.

She smacks his arm, and he laughs.

 

**XII.**

"Jeff."

"I know."

"Jeff, there is a large number of reapers in orbit. More are touching down on the surface of Thessia. If Shepard does not pull out soon-"

"Edi. Please. I know. Shepard will pull out when she's ready."

"Lieutenant Vega and Major Alenko's metabolic scans are showing elevated signs of stress. Garrus is recalibrating the cannon. Again."

"What do you want me to do, Edi? We're not leaving Shepard on Thessia. The reapers can't see us, we're safe to wait this out. Shepard will be back. Cortez has managed to get her back safely every time."

"I know that, Jeff. And I would never suggest leaving Commander Shepard behind." She sounds offended.

Joker turns his seat towards Edi. She is staring at him, not the boards in front of her. It's always shocking as hell to realize just how much he could read in her face. It shouldn't be possible. Maybe it's his affinity for machines, or just his affinity for the Normandy.

He gets up from his chair carefully and leans against hers, hip brushing the smooth metal of her shoulder. "Don't be scared, Edi. That's Shepard down there."

"Synthetics do not feel fear," she half heartedly argues.

He puts on arm around her neck and leans his head against her hair. "Of course you don't."

Joker only stays with her for a few moments before returning to his chair. He's got to be at the helm in case things go sideways.

 

**XIII.**

When the door opens Liara is expecting Shepard again. She's more than a little surprised to see Tali. Gylph goes into theatrical welcomes, hovering around Tali like an over-eager varren pup.

Tali nods her head in greeting, "Liara."

"Tali."

"I thought... well, I thought you could use some company."

Liara smiles sadly. She isn't really in the mood for companionship right now. The image of Thessia covered in Reapers is still too new and too raw. It had been hard enough to endure Shepard's visit.

"Actually... I was hoping to pick your brain about Gylph. I'd like to upgrade, and maybe personalize, my combat drone. Do you have the time?"

Tali goes over and makes herself comfortable at Liara's work station, folding herself into the chair and watching Liara through her mask.

Liara considers this. She moves over to the bed, Gylph hovering over her shoulder, and sits down.

"I have the time, Tali," she finally answers.

Tali reaches out, grasps her hand, and squeezes. Then she launches into a question that is really seven different programming questions at once and even Gylph is having a hard time keeping up with her.

Liara smiles.

 

**XIV.**

"This was good, Shepard. A good day. We should do this more often."

Beside him Shepard snorts. "Sure thing. Next time sentient machines decide to rid the galaxy of all life I'll make sure to take time out for bottle shooting. Hell, Garrus, giving advice like that maybe you should be the next Primarch?" But she's smiling as she says it.

Garrus shakes his head, eases the taxi into the steady stream of traffic. "No thanks. Someone has to keep you alive, after all. Don't think Cerberus will rebuild you twice."

She kicks her feet up onto the dash and stretches out in her seat, laughing. It's good to hear her laugh. She doesn't do it often enough. She stretches too far and hisses in pain, hand going to her side where there are seventeen neat stitches and an ugly purple bruise. He knows because he'd been the one to take her in to see Chakwas once he realized she was hiding the damned wound.

"Easy, Shepard," he says softly.

Another snort. "There is no easy, Garrus. This was good, today, taking a break. But... there is no easy. Not anymore." And she is not smiling now.

She's looking out the window, at the sky that is turning dark, the automatic atmosphere of the Citadel making its own version of a nighttime sky. Her hair is wild and her eyes are dark and he doesn't know much about humans but he's sure she's beautiful.

And sad.

And lonely.

And so stupidly, stubbornly _strong_ that sometimes Garrus thinks she's a species all unto herself. Which is foolish, he knows. Shepard is fallible and human and weak, sometimes.

But damn. _Damn_. Back when the turians and the humans first made contact, back when they were still at war, neither side would have ever thought a turian could hold a human in such high esteem. But Garrus does. And Shepard proves herself worthy of it at every turn. She'd make a damn fine turian herself.

She leaves him at the Normandy, muttering something about meeting up with Alenko. His jaw twitches in amusement at the way her cheeks stain red. A human sign of embarrassment, he's learned that much.

He turns and is surprised to see Joker and Edi standing together, looking out at the spaceport.

"Hey, Vakarian. Commander alright?"

Garrus knows that Joker and Shepard are still not speaking to each other, and that Joker is worried.

"She's alright. Running off to meet the Major." He nods his head back the way Shepard had gone.

Joker nods, looking so serious it's almost hard to recognize him. Edi puts an arm around Joker's shoulder and rests her head on his. "Shepard will forgive you. She knows you. You are friends. Friends forgive."

Joker sighs, rolls his eyes, and shakes his head. "Yeah well, that's assuming I'll forgive her."

Garrus grunts. Joker has been with Shepard from the very, very beginning. And he's never left her. He might not admit it, but there's not much Joker wouldn't do for Shepard.

"You aren't actually angry with Shepard, Jeff. You're masking your true feelings with anger, which you are manufacturing for just that purpose," Edi says.

"You don't know that," Joker snaps.

"Your vitals suggest you are being less than truthful and-"

Joker turns his head to glare at her. "Okay. Okay."

Garrus doesn't really know what else to say, so he takes his leave and heads into the Normandy. If they were turians he'd say that Joker and Shepard should just fight it out. But Joker is extremely breakable and Garrus is not sure the Commander would have the heart for it.

Still, it'd be an interesting fight to watch.

 

**XV.**

Shepard is on her third trip up the elevator when she runs into Tali, whom Shepard assumes has been spending time with Liara again considering the direction she was coming from.

Shepard doesn't ask for help, but Tali takes some things of Kaidan's to carry. She's quiet but Shepard can feel the quarian practically vibrating with all the things she wants to say.

Shepard tucks the last of Kaidan's gear away and sits on the couch, where Tali is already reclining. She breathes in deeply, feeling lighter than she has since she woke up on a surgical table in a lab under fire.

"So I'm guessing you and Kaidan... made up?" Laughter simmers just underneath Tali's words.

Shepard shrugs, trying for casual, but she has to bite her lip to keep from grinning. "I suppose so," she manages to say.

Tali makes an appreciative hum.

After a long stretch of quiet Tali shifts and says, " Shepard? You and Kaidan... how did you... back on the old Normandy... and then..." She stops, goes very silent and still.

Shepard rolls her head on her neck and raises an eyebrow at Tali.

"How did you know? That he was the right... mate for you."

Shepard considers this seriously. She doesn't usually talk about these kinds of things, but Tali seems so genuinely curious, so needful of the answer. "Kaidan just fits me. After Mindior and Akuze, I didn't really let anyone in. Most people stayed away but the people who were intent on... I don't know... people tend to be... pushy. Kaidan never was. He was just there. Comfortable, patience, honest." She shrugs.

"Even after what happened on Horizon?" Tali says wonderingly.

Shepard frowns. Thinking about Horizon still hurts. But then she runs her thumb over the palm of her own hand, remembers how Kaidan's lips had felt against her skin just a few hours ago, and she smiles. "Kaidan was just being Kaidan. Cautious. Careful. But... I can't... I have to forgive him, for being himself. It's important to know a man's character. And Kaidan... he holds to his."

"Like Garrus," Tali says, a little too quickly.

Shepard's eyes narrow with mirth and a slow grin turns her lips up. "Yeah, like Garrus. He might not always be right but he is always... Garrus."

Shepard doesn't say anything else, she's fairly certain that Tali needs to work out whatever it is she's thinking on her own. And if she's honest it's hard to concentrate on much outside of the fact that Kaidan's dress blues are hanging up next to hers. She hopes he doesn't mind. He had said he wanted to take it slow. She frowns.

"You love him," Tali says. "I didn't know. Garrus told me, about you and Kadain, after what happened on Horizon. I honestly thought you'd end up with... Thane. For at least a little while."

Just the mention of Thane's name causes a bright burst of pain in Shepard's chest. She thinks about their late night conversations, the way she always felt better after sitting down to talk with Thane. He'd been such a good friend to her, and she would have done anything to have him with her now.

But she smiles at Tali and says, "It's really only ever been Kaidan." Which is true. "Thane and I... we were mourning old loves and old lives, and he was a good friend to me. And he was wise." Shepard closes her eyes. "I hope he's across the sea with Irikah now. He deserves that peace. But... it was never like... it wasn't at all like Kaidan and I."

Tali makes a humming noise, but doesn't say anything else. They sit together in companionable silence for a long time. It's nice, not something Shepard gets a lot of chances to do. Occasionally Tali asks about one of the fish in the tank, but that's about it.

A little over an hour later Edi announces Kaidan's arrival and the door opens. Shepard raises a hand in greeting without leaving the couch. The question of the whereabouts of his belongings is only halfway out of his mouth before he spots their various places around the room.

He stops at the three steps leading down toward the bed and takes in the sight of the two of them. He sighs and puts his datapad down on the newly cleared portion of Sherpard's desk.

The two women watch as he comes down the stairs to stand at the foot of the bed, standing at parade rest with his hands behind his back. Shepard takes the opportunity to enjoy the view.

"You know I sleep on the left side," he says, finally.

Tali lets loose gales of laughter and Shepard smiles at him.

Nothing, she thinks, has _ever_ been like Kaidan.

 

**XVI.**

Even with the lights off the large fish tank lights up the whole cabin in a blue aura. The bed is the most comfortable thing he's felt in more years than he can count and the air is just cold enough to pebble the flesh of his bare chest.

Shepard shifts, her fingers curling on Kaidan's hip where his sweatpants have slipped a little low. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, but he can't let himself be distracted. He's still trying to get important information out of Shepard.

"Tell me," he demands, but softly. His hand finds the bare skin of her stomach between her N7 t-shirt and her panties.

"You already read the reports," she all but purrs.

"Yeah, but- hey! How do you know I read the reports." He pushes up on his elbows and looks down at her.

She rolls onto her side, her dark hair tickling his stomach. She looks up at him, blinking her blue eyes innocently. "Don't you know? I'm Commander Shepard. I _know things_."

He chuckles, "Ah, so Liara found me out."

"I could never betray my source."

He reaches down and pulls gently on her hair. "You've been spending too much time with Allers," he mutters.

"Funny you should bring her up, she had plenty to say about your... interviewing capabilities." She raises an eyebrow suggestively.

"What do you mean?" And he can't lie and say he isn't a bit alarmed about Allers having anything to say about him at all. The woman unnerves him.

"She thinks you're cute. She seems to think her viewers think you're cute too." She's smiling as she says it, but Kaidan knows her very well. Better than even he realizes sometimes. There's a small glint of jealousy in her eyes.

He sits up fast, grabs her and flips her underneath him, pressing her down into the bed. "Do _you_ think I'm cute?" he asks.

"Mmm, I think you're more than cute, Major." The tone is light but her face is very still, very serious. Too serious for the conversation being had. "I think you are... perfect. For me, you are perfect, Kaidan."

"Well... that's all that matters." He leans down and kisses her. Her mouth is soft and sweet, delicate in ways that he'd never have suspected until the first time he kissed her. It surprises him every time.

It isn't until Shepard wraps her legs around his hips and her hands tangle in his hair that he realizes what she's doing. He pulls back and glares down at her. She's biting her lip to keep from laughing.

"Tell me how many," he says, rolling off of her.

She bursts out in a loud, honest laugh. "I am not telling you! You read the files, Alenko. Leave it!"

With a groan Kaidan flops down onto his back, the pillows letting out a soft whoosh of air. "And that detail wasn't in the reports. So, will you tell me?"

She laughs again, burying her face in his thigh to muffle the sound. "It's not like I kept count, Kaidan."

"Yes you did, I know you. Stop stalling."

"Fine. Fine. You'll never leave it alone, will you?"

"No." She sits up from his lap and crawls up beside him, her head suddenly popping into view over his face. Her hair brushes his cheeks.

"Fourteen."

"Geez, Shepard."

She huffs and starts to get up from the bed. He grabs her, pulling her on top of him. "Hey."

She scowls at him for an answer.

He lifts his head to press a kiss to the corner of her lip. "So... fourteen times. You killed the fish fourteen times."

"They're harder to take care of than you'd think! And that stupid tank looks... I don't know... I didn't like it empty. You'd have killed them a few times too."

He laughs darkly, kissing her again.

"I did better with the hamster."

"Hamster?"

"Yes. Sammy. In fact, I just found him down in the cargo hold where Jack used to bunk. You didn't even notice him, did you?"

His face softens, his smile widening. "Shepard."

She gives him a quizzical look, "What?"

"You are a _terrible_ pet owner, how are we ever going to keep a krogan baby alive?" he whispers, and kisses her. He keeps on kissing her until her laughter dies down. But it's a long time.

**XVII.**

Joker turns his chair to face Shepard.

"So... Horizon." He lets out a low whistle.

Shepard stares at him, face blank. He shrugs. Shepard's sense of humor has not quite been restored- she's still obviously wound too tight- but it's better than it was immediately following the disaster at Thessia.

"Fun place."

Still, she keeps the blank face. Edi makes a low noise that sounds more like a maching _whirring_ than he's comfortable with.

"Brings back lots of great memories. Collector swarms. Hey, that's when we figured out Mordin's bug killer would work. _That_ was good."

Her eyes rolled towards the ceiling dramatically. "Shut up, Joker."

"Is that an order, commander?" He raises one eyebrow.

She raises one back.

"Jeff. I believe that was an order," Edi says to his right.

Joker holds his hands up in surrender. But the smile that quirks one side of Shepard's mouth makes him grin at his instrument panel.

When Shepard has left the bridge Edi moves from her seat to rest on the arm of Joker's. She leans her head down on his shoulder, one cool arm curling around his back.

"You are a better man than you admit to being, Jeff."

"What do you know about organics?"

She pinches the back of his neck and he yelps. "You should know that such a method will not work on me, however."

He lifts his head, hiding his face in her neck. "Message recieved.'

  **XVIII.**

Miranda knows _exactly_ who Major Kaidan Alenko, the second Human Spectre, is. Of course she does, it was once her job to know these things. And she was _quite_ good at her job. These days everything she does is for the sake of self preservation. The skill set is equally useful for both purposes.

The Illusive Man does not take anyone quitting lightly. But Miranda is well aware of her own value, she knows what he'll do if he catches up with her now.

She also knows how Major Alenko, who is her more current and immediate problem, feels; about Shepard, about the Reapers, the Alliance, and about Cerberus.

So in the shuttle, leaving Sanctuary, she doesn't expect him to tend to the wounds of the ex-Cerberus operative who kept his girlfriend from him.

But he does. Surprise is not something Miranda feels oftens.

She must be staring because as he reaches out for the gauze in the med kit he raises his eyes to meet hers.

"You're much more attractive in person than in the holos," she grates out through clenched teeth as he cleans the wound.

Alenko grunts, a flush coloring his neck, and pours more antiseptic.

"I think it's the muscles. Did you bulk up?" she asks.

There's no mistaking that the man is larger than he once was. The vids and holos might not have done him justice but there's no way they'd hide the amount of muscle the man is packing now. And Miranda does appreciate a... strong man. Jacob could attest to that. If Jacob were alive, of course, and hadn't died on that Collector Base.

The Major doesn't answer her. The flush fades from his skin. He's still frowning, a touch harder than before but not much. Angry then. No longer embarrassed. But not enough to say anything.

Miranda is usually painfully logical. Emotions make you sloppy. Look at the mess she's in with her sister. Oh, she wouldn't give Oriana up for the world but she can still recognize that it's a weakness not to do so.

And yet for some reason this Alliance Major gets under her skin. Maybe it's the steady calm he exudes. Or the Alliance haughtiness in every line of his bearing. It might be that he has not once, _not once_ , looked at any part of her other than her wound or her face. Not many men, _very_ few in fact, ever _ignore_ her.

She finds herself wanting to push him, to make him angry enough to react. Is it only Shepard that can break him that way?

The competitive gene, she thinks ruefully, is possibly the strongest in her genetic make up.

"And certainly the holos do no justice to your ass-" she bites off her words with a hiss, glaring down at the Major.

He's covering the wound, none too gently, with some kind of yellow gel that she isn't familiar with. It smells pleasant, though it stings like a bitch.

"Forgot to mention this might sting a little. Nothing you can't handle, I'm sure." He's calm and placid now, no sign of his earlier agitation with her.

He slathers more of the yellow gel on.

Miranda snarls a low curse, head thrown back as she pants out her breath. "You're... enjoying... this," she manages to grind out.

He chuckles, low and dark, and it makes her stomach twist in a way that isn't entirely unpleasant. The puppy has bite. They really had underestimated him. When he looks up at her his expression is serious.

"Truth is we're hoarding the medi-gel and with a wound like yours this will work just as well, if not better." He shows her the glass jar of yellow gel.

"You made that?" she asks, genuinely curious. She's biting back the desire to keep provoking him.

"I have training as a field medic, but beyond that... my mom... she was always using homeopathic remedies. I can't usually find the exact same herbs or flora, but there are plenty of plants in space with similar properties." He pauses, looking up at her again, his hands gently soothing the gauze over her wound. "Didn't your Cerberus files tell you that?" And if there's a bit of a sneer on his face and in his voice she can't really blame him.

"No. It appears we missed some things," she conceded.

He nods.

It feels like a chess game, this conversation, and it feels as though she's just lost. There is something viciously satisfied in those honey colored eyes.

A hand lands on his shoulder and Shepard kneels into view. Major Alenko turns his eyes to her immediately.

Miranda, with whom he was just having a fantastic verbal sparring match, has ceased to exist entirely. Miranda's not sure how to feel. She's not used to losing men's attention anymore than she is never really having had it in the first place.

"She'll live," Alenko says, in answer to Shepard's unasked question. "How's the girl?"

Shepard glances back to where Ori is wiping at her face, obviously trying to pull herself together. Shepard turns back and gives Miranda a small nod.

"Oriana's fine. Worried about her sister, but fine. She's a lot like you, Miranda."

Miranda smiled. "A cold hearted bitch?"

That drew a bark of laughter out of Shepard. "How are you feeling?"

Miranda's smile darkened. "I probably shouldn't feel quite so satisfied at having thrown my father out a window."

Shepard snorts. "Oriana will be over in a minute, just rest easy til we hit the Normandy."

Then she turns her attention back to the major.

"Thank you." Miranda catches her whisper.

Alenko shrugs. "She brought you back." His voice is carefully neutral and very controlled.

"Kaidan," Shepard says softly.

"Later, Commander. I'm going to see if Cortez needs help." He maneuvers his way to the front of the shuttle.

Miranda would say something to Shepard but then her arms are full of her sobbing sister and she's too distracted to worry about Shepard or Alenko.

 

**XIX.**

James is surprised when Alenko comes around to help Directive Lawson out of the shuttle. He doesn't look pleased and yet James hadn't heard Shepard give him an order.

In fact, if everything he knows from scuttlebutt is true, Shepard wouldn't give that order. Not to Alenko. The Major has no love lost for Cerberus, everyone knows that, and while rumor has it that she quit the gig, Lawson still _looks_ the part.

"Doctor Chakwas wants to take a look at you. I'll take you up. I'm given to understand you know her?" Alenko's voice is carefully neutral.

James shouldn't be eavesdropping, but they aren't exactly trying to stay quiet.

"I recruited her, if that's what you mean. For the Omega-4 relay mission," Lawson answers.

"Why?" Alenko's tone is clipped.

"Why _her_ and not _you_ , you mean?" she asks.

Alenko's mouth straightens into a thin line, jaw clenched hard. If Lawson were a man James might be worried about Alenko jumping her. But the Major doesn't seem the type to start a fist fight with a woman. At least, not one that isn't already trying to kill him. Or trying to kill Shepard.

Actually... has he seen Alenko go after a female enemy that didn't attack the Commander first? He frowns, brow furrowing, and a minute he's completely engrossed in trying to remember the times he's seen the the Major fight. When he finally gives up he finds the conversation is getting heated.

"-a job to do! You would have gotten in the way. _Worse_ , you would have convinced her that _any_ way was better than _our_ way, and she was already _quite_ convinced of that!" Lawson snaps. She barely pauses to breath before continuing, "So yes, Major, we chose the operatives from her old crew with the loosest terms of morality and the highest loyalty to Shepard."

James' eyes widen and he looks around the shuttle bay for Commander Shepard, but she's still debriefing with Steve, not hearing what's going on just a few feet away. James doesn't know the whole story, but he's pieced together a lot of it. And he doesn't need to see the crackle of Alenko's biotics to know he doesn't appreciate his loyalty to Shepard being questioned. No matter how legitimate it might be to question them.

"Just enough rope to strangle herself with," the Major growls.

James busies himself with his work bench, but they're getting louder.

"We were saving humans from Collectors! Something the Alliance didn't care anything about. _They_ were the ones who sent her off to hunt geth! _They_ got her killed and we're the ones who brought her back. I brought her back!"

"For someone who claims to have left Cerberus you're pretty comfortable saying _we_ ," Alenk points out. "Do you think doing one good thing makes up for all the sick and twisted things Cerberus did?"

The entire room crackles with the sudden outpouring of biotic energy. James turns in time to see biotics flaring up the arms of both Lawson and Alenko.

"That's enough!" Shepard's voice stops them dead.

It is Alenko- no surprise there- who backs off first. The dark energy around his arm seems to slink back into his skin and James can see the way he shudders. As if it hurts, as if he might be sick. James knows next to nothing about biotics except that they eat a lot and he's never turned one down for help on a ground mission, but he does know the look of a man biting back pain.

"Sorry, Commander, I-"

Shepard holds up a hand, silencing him. "Go to the cabin, Major. I'll bring Operative Lawson to Doctor Chakwas."

Lawson frowns, Alenkos face is pale.

"Shepard," he begins, sounding choked.

One dark eyebrow rises, and Shepard says quietly, "Please don't force me to make it an order, Kaidan. Go. I'll be right up."

The Major visibly relaxes at the use of his first name, gives an easy salute and disappears into the elevator. Lawson's left eye twitches.

"Well, looks like you've got him well in-"

"Don't." Shepard's tone is sharp and biting.

James barks out a laugh at the furious look Lawson shoots Shepard. Then both sets of blue eyes, dark and light, land on him and he chokes on the laughter. He pounds his chest, turning it into a cough.

"Sorry, Lola. Went down the wrong tube." He coughs again. Just for good measure.

That eyebrow raises again, but her lips twitches as if it wants to smile. "You have gear to clean, I assume, Vega?"

He raises his hands up in surrender and turns to his workbench. The elevator opens and he hears the two women enter and the door close again behind them.

"Real smooth," Cortez calls across the shuttle bay.

"Shut up, _pendejo_."

 

**XX.**

"What do you remember?" he asks, fingers tangling in the fine hair at the nape of her neck.

She sighs, turning to face him, the pillow cool beneath her cheek.

They have not made love, though they are naked.

She'd taken her time coming up to the cabin, checking in with the rest of the crew, setting course for the Citadel. She had been scared, she wasn't too proud to admit, of what Kaidan would have to say.

But when she had finally gotten here he'd been half naked- bare chest, bare feet, just his alliance issue sweatpants on- and he had grabbed her before she could say anything and pressed her against the wall, his mouth hungry and demanding on hers. It is not the reaction she was expecting.

Once they were both naked though he'd gotten distracted, tracing new scars with his lips and tongue, redrawing old ones- gone thanks to Cerberus- with his fingertips.

And now this.

What did she remember? She used to think she remembered nothing. It was all a haze after getting Joker into the last escape pod. But things had come back to her, slowly and with a great deal of confusions.

"I was thinking about you. When I... my last thought... and my first. They were about you, Kaidan."

She lifts a hand to brush his hair, wild from her gripping and pulling, off his forehead.

His eyes widen but he stays quiet.

"It was silent. I couldn't hear any chatter, the comms were blasted. And then... the hissing noise. And I knew, knew the damned suit had been punctured. Wasn't much to do, but instinct takes over and I know I struggled. I remember it hurting. And then I woke up and it was still hurting." She sighs, entwining her fingers with his.

He pulls her to him, kisses her knuckles.

"What happened then? After you woke up?"

She shakes her head, pressing her face into the pillow and offering up a muffled, "You read the reports."

He squeezes her hand.

"Kaidan..." She peers up at him through the mess of her hair.

He smiles sadly at her, "you don't have to talk about it, Noah, but... I wasn't there, for so much. I should have been and now. I don't know. Listening to Miranda just made me feel..."

She chokes on the words, but forces them out anyway. "Like you don't know who I am?"

He pushes and pulls her until he's wrapped around her, her back to his chest, his chin digging into her collarbone, his lips against her throat.

"I know exactly who you are. And I'm sorry I doubted that but I promised you I never would again, and I meant it. I just hate that I wasn't there, that Garrus and Tali know what it was like for you and all I can do is imagine how terrible it was."

She nudges his face with her own, rolls in his arms so she can look up into his face. She grasps his face in her hands, tracing his full lips with her thumbs.

"I'm glad you weren't there, Kaidan. I missed you. I thought about you all the time. But..." She swallows around the lump in her throat.

How do you explain to someone that you're grateful they didn't see human beings liquified and turned into a monster, or go through a relay you weren't sure you could come back through, or end up on the Illusive Man's shit list. How to explain that she's glad he wasn't there the day she killed over three hundred thousand batarians. What words can tell him that she wasn't sure he could have stomached the things they'd had to do.

"I'd rather it had been me, or that I could have at least been with you. But I don't think I could have done what you did," he finally says.

And she sobs brokenly, hiding her face in his neck, because of course Kaidan gets it. Of course she doesn't have to explain it to him. He _knows_ her.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, Shepard."

He presses hard, desperate kisses to her hair, her temples, across her brow, down the hard line of her jaw, the corner of her full lips.

His hands grip her hips, hard enough to bruise and she thrills at that, the thought of going into the next battle with his marks on her.

"Kaidan," she whispers.

"It's alright, Noah. I'm right here." He kisses her neck, bites and then sucks gently.

Another mark.

"Oh god," she sobs, legs wrapping around his hips, arms circling his shoulders.

He's so much larger than her, stronger in so many ways. He presses her down into the bed, presses into her body and covers her completely. She could hide here, safe beneath him, if she wanted. If she were the hiding type. And oh how she wishes sometimes that she was.

Kaidan is often soft and sweet, gentle with her in ways the world and her life is usually not. His is a quiet, steady, maddening passion and it is the perfect temper to her flame and her drive and her desperation.

Tonight he burns with her, in her, frantic and hard and grasping. His hands clutch her to him, one around her back, arching her against his chest. The other around her thigh, pulling her leg higher up his hip so that he pushes in deeper, and harder, and it almost hurts. Almost. But it feels too good to matter, it means too much to see him standing on the crumbling edge with her.

"I love you," he whispers, over and over, voice cracking. He kisses the words into her neck, bites them against her jaw.

And she wants to say it in return because she _does_ , she loves him so much, more than she ever thought she'd love anything again after Mindoir, after Akuze. But her breath catches violently in her throat, and she's left gasping and writhing against him, coming undone beneath him.

He follows down after, losing himself in her, panting harshly and sucking in air wetly. He sounds like he's dying and she is struck with a sudden and sickening, irrational fear. She grasps his face, pulls him til his eyes meet hers. He smiles lazily, satisfied.

She crushes her lips against his, stealing his breath for her own.

_I love you_ , she thinks, _I love you like fire and burning and forever and the end of the world and gunfire and star systems flickering out. I love you with everything I was and everything I am, and everything I could have been. How did I find you,_ she wants to ask, _how in all the world did I find you? I was supposed to be alone._

He stares down into her face, hips still moving, slowly now. She keeps her eyes locked on his, her body rising to meet his even though they're both spent. She needs to feel him like this. He hardens slowly, and then he _is_ sweet and sure and gentle.

His hands soothe the bruises he'd left earlier, his lips brush over the bite marks.

She loses time, loses her place in the universe, loses everything but the feel and smell and taste and sound of Kaidan. His biotics flare, covering them both, flicker, then flare again, and fade.

She tries to memorize this- the gentle fall together as he loses control for a second time, as he rests his head against her collarbone with a harsh sob and she cries his name- before they are left boneless and weak, exhausted, fatally open to one another.

He is her weakness, she knows this. When the Illusive Man brought her back to life she should have done everything she could to push Kaidan away. It wouldn't have been hard. He was halfway out the door.

_Except._

Except he hadn't been. And the world is ending, people dying, earth is burning. Selfishly, she holds him tighter. She only breathes easy when he holds on just as desperately.

 

**XXI.**

  _Thwack._

_Grunt._

_Thwack._

Soft cursing, hard to make out. But Cortez spends enough time down here to know it's Vega.

Sure enough when he comes around the corner there the leuitenant is, pummeling a drill dummy into the ground.

Cortez watches for a moment. Vega isn't exactly his type, but he is handsome enough.

"If you're here to finally admit you love me you'd best get to it, Esteves. End of the world and all."

"Sorry, man. Gonna have to say your sweet goodbyes to that gorilla fist of yours."

Vega shoots him a look of mock insult.

"But," Cortez drawls out. "If you're up for it there is a pretty high stakes poker game about to start up. Even got Doctor T'soni in on it."

"Hmm. T'soni, huh?"

Cortez grins. He knew Vega wouldn't be able to resist the lure of playing poker with the asari doctor.

"Gonna hit the shower. I'll be up after." Vega says, lifting the punching bag off its hook and rolling it under his work station.

For all that Vega likes to appear haphazard and undisciplined he is actually quite fastidious. Keeps up with his military reg haircut and presses his uniforms. His armor is always neatly cleaned, repaired and polished after each mission.

"Don't take too long. She was looking to clean up pretty fast when I left, and Garrus had just managed to goad the Commander into playing."

At this Vega throws his head back and laughs. "And here I thought that she and the Major would be behind locked doors all night."

Cortez smiles, but there is a bite of sadness to it. The Commander and the Major. Sometimes, only sometimes, they reminded him of his husband and he.

Tonight was one of those times, with Shepard wearing an alliance issued t-shirt about three sizes too big, falling off her shoulder, eyes constantly on the Major. The way she looked over that one bare shoulder at Alenko, eyes bright and promising. The greedy way the Major watched her, like he would take all of her in and leave nothing left for anyone else.

An arm curls around his shoulder, slow and purposeful. He jerks his head up and finds himself face to face with Vega.

"You know, Esteves, if you're feeling lonely..." Vega shrugs, and a slow grin pulls one corner of his mouth up. "I mean, you aren't as pretty as the Major but-"

Cortez shoves him away, laughing harder than he can remember laughing in a long time.

"You hold on to that fantasy, jughead, you'll need it later when you're over a hundred credits in the hole and alone in your bunk."

Vega laughs, heading for the elevator.

 

**XXII.**

Valenti was nineteen and a raw recruit when she first heard about the Reapers. Like most people, like the news and the admirals and the Council, she'd thought it was a load of crap.

She looks into the sky, cigarette loose in her fingers, and laughs bitterly.

"You crackin' already?" Roberto's low voice crackles over the comms.

They are the only idiot unit in full gear. Helmets on, visors down, all of it. Well, her visor should be down but damn if she's going to her death without one last smoke. Then again, they are Major Alenko's unit and he has ridden their asses hard from the get go. And seeing as so far they haven't lost a single person, she's not really going to complain. Much.

"Been cracked since go," she replies, catching his gaze and winking.

He winks back, though it's hard to see through the fucking visor. It's a shame, Roberto has a pretty enough face. Wouldn't be a bad last image, as these things go.

There's a couple of low cat calls to the right of her and she turns her head, not seeing what the commotion is about.

"Well, look at that. Guess the rumors were true." Roberto's attention is on whatever is going on just around the corner of the building.

Valenti shoves him over and looks for herself.

"Well shit," she says, taking a drag.

She watches the Major kiss Commander Shepard- who is a hero, or a terrorist, crazy, certifiable or the only voice of sanity, all depending on which way the wind blows. The kiss is sad and desperate. A goodbye that doesn't want to admit it's a goodbye.

She turns away, shoving at the guys still watching.

"Give 'em some fucking privacy, you fucking gorillas."

She knows that goodbye, has seen it a hundred times since the Reapers hit earth.

The reality of the whole fucking thing hits her. Her cigarette drops from her fingers. Her hand is shaking. Her fucking _steady-under-any-kind-of-fire hand_. _Is. Shaking_.

She sucks in a breath but it's not enough oxygen. She can't fucking breath.

A hand grasps hers. Glove to glove, fingers interlacing. Her head jerks up. Roberto's visor is up, his green eyes steady on hers. His chest rises with a deep breath and she sucks in air to match him. He let's it out and she does the same. They take several more.

"Oh, Jesus, is everyone going to pair off then? Fuck, Venezuela, come kiss me!" Ward, slight and dark and a pain in the ass, makes an intimate gesture at Hernandez.

"Shut the fuck up. And don't call me that," comes the deep throated reply.

Roberto let's her take his hand from his. When he winks this time she just smiles back.

**XXIII.**

Garrus has never had a mate. He never had time. Too much policing to do, too many rules to learn and break, too many bad guys to chase down.

It's ironic, really, that he finds one now. The end of the world. Reaper invasions. Rules obsolete.

Tali's head rests on his chest, his arms loose around his torso. She's watching the war outside the window. On the ground, in the sky. Fires light both so that they appear to be reflections of each other.

Garrus had thought Palaven was taking a beating- it was, he knows- but this seems worse, somehow.

It's almost time to say goodbye. Tali and he have different purposes in this war. It's on safe in the atmosphere of earth for her to risk rupturing her suit. She hates it, but Shepard had made it clear back on the Normandy that she didn't want Tali on the front lines. Techs of her calibur will be needed all over, after all.

He doesn't know who Shepard will take with her. Kaidan he supposes. She usually takes Kaidan. Unless she plans on leaving them all behind.

"Callibrating?" Tali asks, and he's surprised to hear humor in her tone. The light carress of teasing that enjoys so much coming from her.

"What?"

"Your mind. Are you callibrating your mind? You are, aren't you?"

It's a terrible joke, but he laughs anyway because at the end of your life anything funny is very, very funny.

She holds on to him tighter.

When he sobers he says, "Almost time to meet with Shepard and Admiral Anderson."

Tali doesn't reply.

"Tali?"

"It's always t ime to meet someone, to do something. There's never enough time for us. We took too long."

He pushes her away so he can look down at her. The new visor makes it easier to see her face, read her expression. She is teary eyed.

"We took however long we needed and we'll take however much we want. After. We've got some Reapers to kill first."

She takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders beneath his talon. This, this quiet strength she has, is what he loves most about her.

"That sounds like a good plan."

"Of course it is, it's mine."

She laughs, though it's heavy with the last of her tears. It's music to him.

 

**XXIV.**

The stars in the sky warp- for one single second the center of gravity of the entire universe changes- and then there is stillness.

And then. And _then_.

The Reapers begin to fall, to burn, to explode around them. In some ways this is all more dangerous than when they had moved with cold precision and purpose.

Kaidan's barrier flickers, phases out, comes back up stronger.

His helmet is somewhere back in the rubble, thrown off after a brute's lucky swing had crushed the side. His hair is slick with sweat and blood, plastered to his forehead. Every breath aches, his chest plate is concave at his ribcage. The same brute.

"Major!" someone screams, one of his students but his mind can't put a name to the voice, and he looks to the flickering beam shooting up into the sky.

That is not actually what his student was directing his attention to, but he can't take his eyes from it as the beam thins and then disappears completely.

"Shepard," he whispers. And he thinks, I've lost her again.

He looks into the sky, but it's impossible to see the Crucible or the Citadel from this far.

"Please," he prays. To what deity, he does not know.

There is a deafening roar, and an earthquake, and a raging fire as a Reaper crashes into the street before him.

_I've lost her_ , he thinks again, and then is pulled under, unconscious.

When he wakes it is quiet. Alarmingly quiet. He is in his own room, of what looks like a partially detroyed hospital. It takes him a long moment to remember that this is London, this is where the medics had set up, and that means he is injured.

Alive though, so there is that.

And then he remembers- Shepard and Reapers falling and- he tries to sit up, pulling at the wires and tubes attached to him.

He is shocked to see a blue hand grab his wrist to stop him.

Liara. She looks grey and tired and old.

"Stop. You'll hurt yourself."

"Shepard," he says, but it's barely loud enough to hear.

Liara goes very still, hand tightening on Kaidan's wrist. When she meets him gaze she says nothing, slowly shaking her head.

Kaidan lowers his head back to pillows, closing his eyes. He rips his wrist away from Liara. He can not tolerate anyone's skin on his right now.

"Go away," he grinds out.

"Kaidan-"

"Go. Please. I can't. Please."

She doesn't reply but he listens to her as she gathers her belongings and does as he asks. When he is confident she is gone he opens his eyes, turning his head to the window and looks out at the sky, where Reapers are still burning. Where dreadnaughts are still burning. Where Shepard is burning, again.

He stares until his eyes are burning and his cheeks are wet with tears. He stares until his eyes fall shut.

He sleeps.

 

 

 


End file.
